


in familiar warmth and kisses (i feel, no words needed)

by wegotjamsdude



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Kissing, M/M, Minor Drinking, it's not really violent but there's a little fight, the end is a little fluffy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-23
Updated: 2018-05-23
Packaged: 2019-05-06 20:25:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14655531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wegotjamsdude/pseuds/wegotjamsdude
Summary: Renjun wants him to stop pretending as if he cares, as if what they had was more than whatever Renjun thought it was, as if they had the world before their eyes although they didn't, "Go away! Don't come back! Leave me alone forever!" Stay, don't leave me. Be with me forever.Or,He's just taking everything he could get, and it's not that much.former title: "i feel, no words needed" (edited 05/23/18)





	in familiar warmth and kisses (i feel, no words needed)

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE PLEASE read the tags. i didn't know what the archive warning should be but ao3 suggested that i use that 'chose not to use archive warnings' tag if i wasnt sure soooo PLEASE READ THE TAGS
> 
> 05/23/18 did some minor edits (added a few words, corrected grammatical errors and typos) ((also changed the title a little bcos i love long titles????))

He knows it's all wrong. It's wrong to hold Jeno like this, to look at his eyes, to touch him in the most intimate way. Renjun knows it's wrong to kiss Jeno the way he does right now. But he can't help to feel so  _right_ to be in Jeno's arms, to be under him, to let him take his breath away, to spend his nights with him, to be intoxicated under Jeno's scent.

Jeno is kissing him like it's the end of the world, fierce and with passion. His hand is slipping underneath Renjun's thin and flimsy shirt, then rests at the small dip in his waist. It's burning, Renjun thinks. Jeno's hand is cold and soft but it burned his skin. It's not something new. It happens almost everyday in Renjun's life. Jeno would burst into his door and Renjun isn't surprised when the guy would kiss him, harsh and needy. He doesn't mind because he needs this too. Renjun  _needs_ Jeno, no matter how wrong it can be. Jeno has someone else but he always came to Renjun, who had no one except him. 

Jeno bites on Renjun's lower lip, and the latter whimpers. "Shouldn't we stop," Renjun says, breathless, against Jeno's own strained lips. It had felt like hours since he came in and kissed him out of his mind. They hadn't talked ever since he arrived, Jeno didn't need words, he just needed to feel real and Renjun felt so much more than a dream.

Renjun's hands are tangled in Jeno's dark hair, fingernails scraping at his scalp, tugging at the strands ever-so lightly. He breaks their heated kiss and brings Jeno's forehead close to his own, "You seem tired," he says in tone just above a whisper because Jeno did look tired. His eyes are weary and there are subtle creases on his forehead. Jeno's wet lips curl a little and Renjun knows. He knows because this had almost become a routine, for both of them. Jeno would come in his apartment with creased brows and an unsettled heart, Renjun would call him if he felt under the weather. Something had happened again, between Jeno and his unknown boyfriend named Jaemin. Maybe they fought again, Renjun thinks because he's usually right. 

"I just need you tonight," Jeno mumbles and dips Renjun deeper into the latter's mattress, kissing him just like how he does it; delicate but passionate. With that, Renjun is scared, because this isn't right but Jeno never failed to make him feel the unspoken love between them.

When he wakes up in the morning, there's not a single trace of Jeno left in his bedroom.  _It's a routine._

* * *

Jeno doesn't come back after a few days. He doesn't text Renjun, and Renjun doesn't call him either. They're busy in their own ways. Renjun is drowning himself in his canvases at his art gallery, Jeno would be at his owned studio teaching a class or maybe steaming out his dysfunctional relationship with Jaemin through dance. But when Jeno did come back, his eyes are bright and he's smiling.

It was past nine in the evening. Renjun is lounging at his couch with a random 80's movie rolling on his television. He's wearing one of Jeno's sweatshirt that he left, the fabric loosely hanging on one of his shoulders because it was too big that it showed his left collarbone. He has a blanket with him on the couch in a comfortable position when his doorbell rings once, twice, thrice. Renjun is quick to his feet to open the door of his apartment. Jeno greets him with a smile and Renjun holds his hand, pulling him inside his apartment and into a hug. He knows he shouldn't but Renjun would be lying if he said that he didn't miss Jeno because he really  _did_ and it almost drove him mad.

The night is cold, Renjun figured as he felt the rush of the wind through his open apartment door. Jeno kicks it close, chuckling.

He loved it when Jeno laughed. It's not a rare moment to Renjun, but it was certainly the precious ones. Jeno's eyes would turn into beautiful crescents when he smiled and that made Renjun's heart clench with happiness and a touch of guilt. But Jeno managed to push the latter part away with a kiss.

Jeno plops down on the couch, pulling Renjun along to his lap. They get close to each other and Renjun nuzzles into the curve of Jeno's neck while the latter nosed on Renjun's collar where his perfume was strong. They don't speak, but that's alright because they could always feel everything on each other.

There's a cold hand that rested on the skin of Renjun's lower back underneath the fabric he wore--Jeno's. Renjun laughs in content, throwing his head back before diving down to capture Jeno's lips into his own. He presses onto him deeper, slipping the other's lip in between his teeth and biting onto it softly just like how Jeno did to him all those countless times. Renjun sucks on his tongue, using his own to soothe Jeno's mouth. 

The night continues to buzz on Renjun's eardrums, reminding him that he and Jeno are doing it all wrong, that their hearts are funded with lies and bitter guilt. That Renjun doesn't have anything else but this lie with Jeno. But then, Renjun is alright with that. Renjun is alright with Jeno using him. Renjun is alright even if he sees Jeno before he sleeps and wakes up cold, again.

* * *

_You can't have him. You know you can't._

Renjun jolts awake from his faceless dream. He's lying on his side, with a hand clutching the pillow beneath his head. It's cold and Renjun realizes that he's bare, and it's only three hours into a new day.

There's a soft shuffling on the other side of his bed so he turns and catches Jeno sitting on the edge, crouched down as he tied his shoelaces. He's dressed up just like he was when he arrived. His broad back seemed to laugh at Renjun mockingly. Suddenly there's a heavy object pressing down Renjun's chest. Of course he has to leave. Jeno has always been Renjun's night fantasy, that was the routine. And they always stuck to the routine.

Even so, Renjun gets up to wrap his arms around Jeno, his chest pressing against the other's much firmer back to make his presence known. Jeno halts a little, then continues on slipping his other shoe.

 _Please stay_.

Jeno is smiling when he turns to Renjun, pulling the smaller by the waist closer to him, "Good morning," he mumbles against the soft skin on Renjun's naked shoulder. 

Renjun shuddered, clenching the cloth of Jeno's shirt, "The sun's not even up yet."

"I know," Jeno breaths, placing soft kisses in the curve of his neck up to his jaw. Renjun closes his eyes and indulges himself into the feeling, "but I won't be here when it does." Jeno's voice is a whisper, raspy and deep, but also sharp enough to cut through Renjun's heart.

He tightens his arms around Jeno's shoulders, shuddering at the rough fabric of his shirt, "Can't you stay?" He knows the answer to that, but Renjun is hopeful like that. Maybe this time Jeno would change his mind, maybe Jeno would realize that he's much happier with Renjun.

"You know I have to go," Jeno kisses Renjun's throat in familiarity, then pulls away to take Renjun's hand into his.

Renjun wants to beg, tell Jeno to stay because it's a weekend and he would be lonely if he was alone in his apartment, tell Jeno that he's much happier and contented with him being around, that he wants to kiss him all day long and cuddle. But he doesn't, of course. Jeno has to go home for another man, the man whom he has commitments to, the man who has truly and forever has Jeno's heart.

Renjun is bitter, he himself knows that. No one can blame him though, Jeno is right here beside him, only to go for the next few hours without an established decision if he's going back to visit Renjun tonight or not. He's not sure if Jeno is actually serious about him but that's okay, or so that's what he tells himself.

It always hurts when Jeno only had to come to him if he  _could_ , not because he would actually spare time for Renjun and for whatever it was between them. It hurts that Jeno would actually get up in the early hours before sunrise to leave because  _Jaemin woke up at 7 AM_. It hurts that Jeno tells him how his long-term relationship with Jaemin doesn't feel right anymore, but still doesn't choose to stay with him. It hurts that Jeno would tell Renjun that he was the most beautiful person only to leave him behind while he's asleep. It hurts that Jeno can't take him out on dates, or strolls at the park, or on midnight drives.

He's slowly filled up with a mix of emotions everytime he looked at Jeno's eyes. The longer they did this, the longer Renjun's heart become an intolerable mess of emotions. He's happy that the man he loves is with him, spending his nights, but there's always a glint of guilt somewhere in his chest because Jeno has someone else, and he's bitter for that fact. It's a mix of unknown things. Renjun doesn't want to share Jeno, but he can't think like that because Jeno wasn't his originally. He's just taking everything he could get, and it's not that much.

"Then go," he spat out, pulling himself away from Jeno. The latter must have sensed his sudden change of demeanor and the slight venom in his words because Jeno chases his movements for a chaste kiss. Renjun doesn't flinch.

"I'll come later tonight," he says then gets on his feet, out of the bedroom, out of his classy apartment, away from Renjun. His front door shuts slowly and Renjun's world crumbles before him.

He spends the rest of the day curled up in his cold bed, as alone as he can be. 

* * *

Later that night, Jeno does come. Only later than usual.

Renjun is on his couch again, but there's no movie playing on his TV. There's no comfortable blanket around him. Instead, he's sporting a glass of that wine that Donghyuck had gifted him, the bottle lays on his coffee table. He's been drinking halfway through it, drowning in self-pity and a certain Lee Jeno. His head was buzzing with the light alcohol and he calls himself tipsy. The doorbell doesn't ring, it hisses at the familiar password being punched in, and Jeno opens it. 

He has his legs pushed up against his chest. Renjun fingers the rim of his glass, not sparing his visitor a glance. Jeno does though, and when he did, he knelt on the wooden floor to look up at the other with concerned eyes. Renjun doesn't meet those beautiful, crystal eyes because if he did, he'll just see himself crumbling over and over again.

"What happened?" Jeno's voice is laced with concern and utmost sincerity that Renjun wants to puke. He's suddenly on his feet when he feels the other's hand on his knee, glass slipping out of his hand and into the floor. The crashing sound seemed to ring too loudly in his ear. Jeno is quick to stand upright, gazing at Renjun in shock.

Renjun breathes hard and short as his shaking eyes met with Jeno's own. There are shards of glass in his heart, going deeper and deeper and he's left bleeding. Renjun feels the familiar moist in his eyes and soon they're brimming with tears. It hurts and it kills him. The worried look that Jeno gives him has Renjun in the edge, with just one wrong move and he'll fall again. So he grabs two fistfuls of his hair as he sobs, curling his body in attempt to keep himself small and safe. Just away from these heartbreaks, these lies.

He's afraid. He's afraid of doing anything further. He's afraid of Jaemin finding out about him and Jeno. He's afraid of knowing that Jeno doesn't love him the way Renjun does. He's afraid that maybe one day, the man he loves would decide not to show up forever because his life had fallen into place. He's afraid that Jeno would forget about him one day. He's afraid but the guilt is also eating him up. This was not Renjun's place to be. He was not meant to be with Jeno, he's just somebody who forces himself into an already perfect picture.

"Renjun, love," Jeno whispers with his lips on his forehead, wrapping the smaller man into the confines of his strong arms. He's rocking him slowly and Renjun's sobs toned down once, "Tell me what happened."

Renjun's heart growls at the words and he's angry. So,  _so_ angry because life is a bitch and he can't have anything that he had always wished for. He's angry because Jeno is  _there_ , right beside him but it doesn't feel enough because that's the truth; it won't ever feel enough.

"No!" He spits out, voice croaky from the sobs he had let out hours earlier, "This is  _wrong_ , Jeno!" He knows his happiness is wrong, that they shouldn't do this anymore, that Jeno should never  _ever_ come back. No matter how much he wanted him, Renjun knows he can't and that he shouldn't, "We have to stop this. You have to stop calling me, stop going here, stop touching me, stop kissing me like you love me--"

"I  _do_ , Renjun--"

Renjun pushed Jeno's arms off him, hitting his chest in a way that he shouldn't. He can't breathe and it hurts, "No! You have to stop lying, we have to stop lying!" He hits Jeno's shoulder, again and again until his arms are weak, until his sight is so blurry that he can't see anything but a mess of light and colors. 

Jeno is calling out his name again, in attempt to calm him. But Renjun pushes him away harshly, letting out words mindlessly before he regrets it, "We're a  _lie_ , Jeno,"  _We're a one big pathetic lie._ His breaths are sharp and uneven, the shards still kept pushing through his chest, "This should stop! Go away, just go away!" He's pushing Jeno away and despite his bigger form and built, Jeno lets him. Renjun wants him to stop. Renjun wants him to stop pretending as if he cares, as if what they had was more than whatever Renjun thought it was, as if they had the world before their eyes although they didn't, "Go away! Don't come back! Leave me alone forever!"  _Stay, don't leave me. Be with me forever._

He managed to push the dazed other out into the empty halls and Renjun closes his heavy door shut before he regrets anything. His forehead bangs against the wooden frame weakly, his sobs cutting through the empty place. His breath is ragged and he's just  _so_ tired to breath, so tired to open his eyes. Renjun sobs, piercing as it cuts through his throat out to echo.

The shards finally pushed through Renjun's chest into his back, leaving him heartlessly drowning in the pain that he deserved.

* * *

Two weeks.

He's been having the worst nightmares of his life. Renjun is a complete disarray after the harsh flow of events.

Jeno is still on his mind. Day by day it almost became impossible for the other to be out of Renjun's mind. Jeno's smile, his eyes, his touch, his kisses, the words that dripped out of his beautiful lips they're all pasted in Renjun's mind just like how he remembers it to be. They stick to him like it's glued there permanently. He's dreaming of having Jeno in his arms, of meeting Jeno in the streets and falling in love with him properly in the right way, of kissing him like he did before. He helplessly stares at his door during his nights, hoping to see that red light turn green signaling that someone's coming, hoping that if he ever opened it Jeno would be there holding out a bouquet of flowers or a kiss.

It's all going through his head and he paints Jeno's face that he had memorized in charcoal and in a burst of colors during his late nights at his art gallery. He hugs Jeno's old shirts and sweaters and jackets to find solace in sleeping. He cries to the pictures of him and Jeno standing on his bedside table or the ones saved in his phone. 

Renjun convinces his mind that  _finally_ he had done what is right, he had done what is needed. But it never felt victorious, it never felt right. It felt like his worst regret, like his perfect mistake. It made the angst in his heart grow even heavier, even more hurtful that it sometimes malfunctions.

Two weeks without any sign, any vision, of Jeno almost drove him mad. Every corner of his apartment never felt like home like it used to before. Renjun sees Jeno in everything he does, the sight of Jeno's studio streets away made his hands itchy and his eyes burn. He feels the need of someone to hold every night. He felt his insides go dry and weak at the thought of not having the love of his life in his arms.

The fact that Renjun did this to himself never failed to continue on digging a deep hollow stamp in Renjun's chest.

It's two hours into the day and the lights are off. Renjun feels like his bed had become too big for him,  _just_ him. The empty space beside him felt like curse, a punishment. His eyes are swollen and worn out again, thin arms shakily wrapping around his own body. He's curling up tensely on his bed, under the thick and heavy duvet. It feels rough against his skin so Renjun shivers. He's thinking about Jeno again, if the other had missed him, if he was happy and rather contented, how Jeno would hug him and kiss him on cold nights like this.

He's crying into his mattress again, when a soft thud is heard and the space beside him dips down in weight. Renjun cries because he doesn't need words or any noise, because he knows the sound of that breathing, because he knows the scent, because he knows the arms that was wrapping around him all too well. Renjun cries because Jeno is here, finally, filling in the gaps of his heart.

"I told him about you," the familiar raspy whisper tells him, and the familiar warmth around him grows. Renjun doesn't want to open his eyes, maybe because if he did, the voice, the warmth, Jeno would disappear and become on of those illusions that left a heavy mark on his heart, "I told him that I loved someone else more than I did to him, that you accepted me with open arms, that you never failed to make me feel loved and perfect. I told him that I won't regret ending things with him because I'll run to you."

Renjun lets out a strained sob that made his throat ache. It felt familiar and real to him,  _too real_ that he might believe in all the things the voice had said, in what the warmth had implied. He wants to, but he just couldn't bring himself to believe. He felt his body move involuntarily, closer to the warmth, then there's a soft heaving chest against his own, "Look at me," the voice says, firmer this time. Renjun's small frame is wrecked with sobs when a warm and soft hand cups his jaw and a thumb is pressing across his wet and heavy eyelashes, "Look at me, baby, please," the voice says again. Renjun sobs again because he  _wants_ to but he can't, he can't let Jeno disappear before him again.

He shakes his head, letting his tears uncontrollably flowing down from the eyes under his lids, "N-No, I can't--"

There's a soft press of cold lips on his forehead and Renjun cuts himself with another cry. This is real, this has to be real. So he hopes, silently praying that all of these are real, that this isn't a dream nor a memory, that Jeno is on his bed, hugging him close. Renjun opens his eyes slowly and he almost breaks down when he sees Jeno's familiar ones staring right back at him.

Jeno shushes him, gathering him on his arms, rocking him softly, whispering sweet nothings into his ear. Renjun cries into his chest because he's so happy, he's too happy to even speak. He feels so out of the world, so swept off his feet, because finally, Jeno is  _here._ Jeno is beside him and everything is suddenly possible because Jeno loves him.

"I love you," Jeno takes Renjun's hand in his, lifting it up to his lips, kissing his knuckles softly. He's here to stay, he's finally here to complete what seemed to be impossible to complete.

Renjun doesn't answer, but instead, he takes Jeno's lips into his mouth, kissing him with everything he has, with all the love, all the things that was left unspoken. And the other understands, because they never needed words. They never needed words to feel real, because in each other, it always felt real.

Renjun wakes up nearly into half of the day with the love of his life beside him,  _finally_.

**Author's Note:**

> this is me being emo and pouring out my angst in writing noren shit.  
> tell me what you think of it ;)


End file.
